That one afternoon

The conversation that afternoon went perfectly well, until he asked the question. The question. The question that she could never give an exact answer; sometimes it’s just a nod following with a smile. Sometimes she just mouthed “I’m okay” and quickly changed the subject. But she knows she cannot escape this time. Not if he is the person who asked the question.

“So, how are you doing with him? Still blinded enough to linger?”

I don’t like where this is going. You are not asking, for God’s sake, you’re judging. You’re just looking for a reason to call me stupid, to embarrass me, to prove me that you’re right and I’m stupid for taking the wrong turn, for taking a bad decision.

She stopped sipping her hot coffee and put the cup back to the table quickly. She wiped her lips and made an awkward noise with her throat. She’s quite shocked with the question, even though this is not the first time she heard someone’s asking it.

“What do you mean?” She chuckled lightly, still trying to avoid eye-contact with him.

“Come on, you know what I mean. Him. Why are you still with him?”

“…I don’t know.”

“I wouldn’t be friend –scratch that– best friend for years with someone stupid who doesn’t know how to answer such easy question. And I know you’re not. I know because you’re the smartest girl, one of the wisest people I’ve known in my entire life. And you always had been like this. When it came to love, you’re brain seems to drive to a dead-end.”

“…I seriously don’t know how to respond to that.”

He catches a glimpse of little tears in the corner of her eyes. Shit. Cue the drama.

No one was talking for almost 5 minutes when she sighed quite loudly. She took another sip in her cup, tries to calm herself down before started talking.

“I could give you plenty, heck, millions of reasons why do I still decide to hold on to this; him, us, or whatever we’re having right now.”

“And I can give you ONE PERFECTLY GOOD reason why you should break things off with him: he broke your heart. Too many time to count for the past years.”

Touché. And off it goes the silence between them.

“Have you ever been in love?” she asked.

“No, but I know what you are having right now is not love. If it is, then it is not good. It is a bad one, the one those people always said about hurts, pain, grief. Who keep making you crying instead of smiling. Who turns you to a skeptic instead of an optimist. If it is love, then I don’t ever want to experience such tragedy.

And why do you keep pretending like its okay? Why do you always have to be the one who protects him? Why do you have to make you two looks like a perfect couple when the truth is, you’re not. You never were. You will always be going to be a shadow for him. Someone he won’t take it seriously. It’s you. How do I know? I’m a freaking guy. I know what he thinks. I know why he did this; why do he keep doing this to you.” He finished it with a single breath while she listened to his words very carefully in silence.

Another deep sigh echoed around the space between these two people.

“I know. I’m perfectly aware of that, actually. But sometimes… there’s just this one person in life; no matter how much this person hurts you, made you cry, bleed you dry, you’re just going to keep craving for his presence, his attention. Sorry for sounding so obviously stupid by saying that, but it is true. You will experience such thing if you have found the person. I’m not saying he’s the one, but for now, I still want to run back to him whenever things get a little bit lost. No matter how hard I tried to grow my hatred towards him, deep down inside, he’s still the guy that makes me swoon, head over heels, madly in love for the past years. And just like that, I found myself starting from zero again with the hating.” She smiled.

“I just… believe. I still believe we could make this thing work. I still believe God would do His magic to sparks the passion that has been lit off, somehow, somewhere along the road. We wouldn’t still be together if He didn’t want us to happen. You may say I’m crazy; I’m going to hurt myself, yada yada. I am, and I’m still going to be because I still can bear this craziness. And I’m still strong enough to bear with the pain he caused. Maybe that is why I stayed. I believe. And I’m just like another girl in the world; we always wait for the magic to happen.”

“I just don’t want you to regret wasting your time over him once you’re done with this decision.”

“Hey, like you always said, everything is happening for a reason. Even shits. Sure we couldn’t turn back the time. But even until now, until the state where I can’t even find myself truly happy, there has been not a single moment that I regret for being with him.”

He slowly putting both of his hand in the air; a sign that he gave up talking to her. She laughed and took another gulp of her cold Americano to its last drop.

They parted by giving each other a friendly light kiss on the cheek. She went to the north while he walked himself to the south. Before getting too far, he turned his back slowly, hoping to catch the picture of her back as she walked further away. When his searching didn’t meet the expectation, he smiled and rushed his steps; hoping he didn’t miss the last train home.